EP 129: How To Revitalize Your Marriage By Being Intentionally Selfish With Relationship Doctor Naketa Thigpen

Join us as we welcome Nikita Thigpen, relationship maven and founder of Thigpro Balance and Relationship Institute, who walks us through turning professional rigor into personal relationship bliss. Together, we peel back the layers of maintaining privacy and growth and celebrate the beauty in embracing our flaws.
 
JUMP RIGHT TO IT:
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13:52 The Power of Being Intentionally Selfish

31:25 Micro Sabbaticals for Personal and Relationship Growth

40:43 Finding Joy and Removing Overwhelm

47:18 Pursuing More, Finding Contentment

53:42 Customized Programs for Couples and Individuals

CONNECT WITH NAKEETA:

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Website: www.thigpro.com 

LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/naketathigpen

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@asknaketa

Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/asknaketa

Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/asknaketa

Check out Nakeeta's podcasts: @balanceboldly & @lazyoverchiever 

Selfish: Permission to Pause, Live, Love and Laugh Your Way to Joy: https://www.amazon.com/Selfish-Permission-Pause-Live-Laugh/dp/1732983801

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:22

Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Imperfectly Empowered podcast. I'm your host, anna Fulmer. Today we have Nikita Thigpen on the show. Nikita is the founder and CEO of globally renowned Thigpro Balance and Relationship Institute, a counseling service passionate about helping power couples and individuals build stronger families to prevent relational and marital devastation that often comes with professional success. Here to share her expert advice on how to revitalize your marriage and your life with the same intensity that you bring to work. Welcome relationship doctor Nikita Thigpen. Hi, nikita, so lovely to finally meet you. I can't even remember how many times. I'm pretty sure I canceled on you several times.

Speaker 2: 1:10

I think too it was when we were introduced. It was like very close to our self-lovification, which is our six week micro sabbatical. Yes, so I think that was part of it too.

Speaker 1: 1:24

Yes, yeah, and I'm actually so glad you have this literally on my notes to talk about, because I remember getting that email and it was like the coolest thing. I love that you guys do that. Thank you. Whether we're entrepreneurs or not, we all need to take these micro sabbaticals. I love it. We're going to talk about that. There's so many cool things that you do, Thank you. I'm thrilled to talk about. I love pressing rewind a little bit and talking about how you even got to where you are today. You have this amazing. You know I call it a counseling program. I'm sure there's better terminology for it, but it's so cool what you do and it's so niche down. And what I loved about the Institute that you run is the way that you describe power couples on your webpage. I'm reading it and I'm like, oh my gosh, this is my husband and me. You know it's like, it's resonated and you know it's this weird sense of so my husband and I.

Speaker 1: 2:18

To help set the narrative for this entire conversation, we're in marriage counseling right now. Yeah, Like what eight months ago? We have a lot going on our lives like a lot of people and we looked at each other and we were like, how do we get out of this coworker state, yeah Right, like we're not lovers right now, we're coworkers and if we don't invest now, how do we get out of it? Like we can't assume, it's just going to happen and so we, you know we started that journey and it's been hard.

Speaker 1: 2:49

It's still hard, but it's good. Like anything, it's work. It is, it is work and we don't talk about that enough. And yes, girl.

Speaker 2: 3:04

Yes, it's so many and, to your point, like most of my work is with complete discretion and anonymity, because it's hard not only for people to talk about it with other people, but even within their own coupling, you know, regardless of what their relationship looks like.

Speaker 2: 3:21

So oftentimes, even though I work with people, I cheekily say like from the bedroom to the boardroom, because the intimacy that happens there and all the passion also sparks your creativity and allows you to not have the brain fog and show up powerfully at work and all the different things. But often it's just such a sensitive topic so we keep so much of it to the chest. And there's all this inner, inner, inner circle work that's done, which is like a plus minus when you have a business right, because I'm like I'm not going to work with you and say now let's record it and then I'm going to put this in a vault for the upcoming people to see your pain, your joy, your secrets, your IP, when you're talking about how it's impacting your business. But then new people coming in are like oh, I'd love to see some success stories. I'm like go to LinkedIn, look at recommendations. That is as far as you're going to go, because unless one of my clients airs them out. I can't do it Like it's just from a space of integrity.

Speaker 1: 4:19

Such an interesting thing too, because I think what, for me, my issue that I have as a society and we can dive into this more, but I mean literally the title of this podcast and perfectly empowered is this concept that the sooner we can start embracing the struggle and that's one of the conversations here is helping people understand they're not alone and that our value isn't in the prettiness of life. Our value isn't having it all together. Our value and our worth is not found in making sure our family looks all put together or we're successful because we're making a lot of money, right Like. That's not where our value is and yet, if we're honest, we believe it is because therein lies the reason why we won't share the struggle and the fact that we're not perfect.

Speaker 2: 5:10

Right that part and you know, keeping up with the Joneses, all of those, you know full pas statements and all of that are true. Yeah, which I hate to say it, but yeah.

Speaker 1: 5:23

So anyway, for you listening you know anyone that is meeting me for the first time through Nikita, or whether you are listening for the first time in meeting Nikita you know from my heartbeat is that we embrace the struggle, we normalize the struggle. I am trying to do this in a way where people feel empowered, that you know what it is not my value found in the prettiness, and that we need to actually dismantle this concept that for some reason, struggle is in fact a negative thing and we empower each other. We're not alone and we're going to learn from Nikita. I'm so excited to dive in, but tell me how you even got to what you're doing. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 6:02

How did we even get here, like, how much time do we have for this recording? I don't know. Amen, you and me both Right, one of those. I guess I'll start in the more recent in the last 12 plus years. So my company that I own with my husband is it was born in 2011.

Speaker 2: 6:21

And when we first started, I was coming out of my other primary hat. So my foundation is I'm a licensed clinical social worker and trauma specialist by foundation for 20 plus years before I became an entrepreneur. And then I have a bunch of other certifications or credentials, because I'm a nerd and a learner and you know when you are that person, you don't apologize for it, right? But then there's so many things that we can have a whole podcast on, like why all of the sexology and relationship expertise and all the other things, and honestly, it's all linked to when I was seeing people in this space of brokenness, which is totally okay, because I do believe that we do have to break open, and for some of us, that does mean being in this space where you feel like this breakdown is not ending. It does. You do finally hit the bottom of the slide? You do finally spread your legs open? I mean that in so many positive ways, but you spread your legs open when you fall to the bottom and say, whoa, like I'm here because now the shifts can happen. And some of those shifts that people were getting stuck at were around their relationships, their intimacy romantically as well as platonically. Their relationships and intimacy with their parents, with their children, if they happen to be parents themselves, with their BFFs, with their business partners. Like I, was seeing all these other intimacy issues come up, which is why I kind of went further away from trauma even though it's all very connected and deeper into what I call relationship intimacy 360 degrees, because I do believe that it's not just you having a close relationship with your lover. It's a deep relationship with anyone who you value to have in your estate, your heart, to really welcome into your emotional home and see you naked.

Speaker 2: 8:13

We're not going to let everybody come into the kitchen with us, like the kitchen for most women listening to this is where we talk it up, we chop it up, we get real, we get honest. That might be some cussing and fussing. That's happening because we feel comfortable. It's not necessarily how we treat the people in the living room, though. In the living room it's would you like some tea? How can it help you? We're very polite and very formal, even though we are also intimate with them at a very superficial level. It is not the same version of Nikita in the kitchen as it is in the living room when you have a company.

Speaker 2: 8:48

A lot of these things were showing themselves when I was working with people as a psychotherapist that I wanted to help in such a more broad way. I wanted to do more than my clinical bubble. My license, the insurance all of that would kind of allow me to do. That's when I tacked on all the other expertise through our personal development company. We're now where I get to play with these power couples in potent humans, and work is play for me when I'm doing it.

Speaker 2: 9:13

Well, the power couples for me, like yourself and your husband, is not about how much money you have. Yes, you do have to have some money. This is a business I do need you to invest in yourself. It's really about you being a philanthropist and influential in your industry as well as an advocate for disproportionately affected people. Those things matter. I don't want to work with people who are so stuck on themselves and all they care is what E, st Lawrence belt, can they buy the Birkenbag that they're getting for their four-year-old? That's not the person that I'm looking to work with, unless that person is also doing all the other things. They're being philanthropic, they're being an advocate. That matters to me because our bigger mission is building stronger families that create these new multi-generational imprints from their own self-actualized wholeness, your legacy in your business portfolio.

Speaker 2: 10:06

Fantastic, that's not the thing that I want to say. I worked with her because she made a lot of money. I worked with her because she impacted so many souls. She left this imprint where this 10-year-old, this 15-year-old, this 55-year-old stranger says I remember her. I remember when she was kind to me. She was sitting at the cafe when she didn't have to be or he didn't have to be. Those are the souls that I'm really drawn to and attracted to.

Speaker 2: 10:35

I call them potent humans, which sometimes they look like that when they come into the couple. They're the power couple, but sometimes the individual soul wants to do their own work. That's chef's kiss for me, like, yes, you want to do your own work without waiting for the other person to be ready. Yes, honey, bring it on, because their work and the ripple from their life and all the great things they're doing, recognizing their own patterns, being self-aware, being in a space of self-realization, all those things usually lights up the other half, their soul's half, their forever lover, to say what are you doing? How long you been doing it? I need to come in and do it too. That's typically how the power couples come in.

Speaker 1: 11:46

It's such an interesting concept, this balance of you know. You pour so much into success in life, whether it be at work. I mean this is something my husband and I are talking about now. It's like we've each been gifted uniquely by God to be able to serve people well and we've been given different gifts, and we've also been given this incredible gift of being a spouse and being a parent, and so there's this constant balance of being faithful to the calling we've received professionally, if you will, but then also being faithful to the commitments that we have made personally in our marriage and as parents.

Speaker 1: 12:36

And you know, I have said many times that I don't believe God would call me to something at the expense of my marriage or my family. But it does mean that I'm human and the struggle is very real and, like this program I'm rolling out in January, I firmly believe it's going to be successful and it's going to take a lot from me and I'm going to do a lot of things. Not well, because I'm human, you know, and it's like I own that, I embrace that. You know. I've already, you know, been there, done that and had to pull back on things and let go of things because my marriage was like nope, this needs more of me right now.

Speaker 1: 13:11

So I say that only to say I think this struggle is just so real for many of us and we tend to lean to the extremes. It's like, no, I need to go 100% to my business because that 100% needs me and my family, my spouse like we'll be okay, except we won't be right. We all know that statistics speak for themselves. It's not going to work out Right, right, and I'm like I'm excited. It's like, well, no, I can't actually be a professional, I can't lean into this calling because I need to just commit to my children especially the mom guilt thing and my spouse so I'm setting that up to, I guess, say like what? Because I think this is a very real struggle for many of us. What would you say to that person who is sitting here right now feeling that and nodding to themselves in their car, wherever they're listening, and thinking like, yeah, that's me, that's me. What's your experience in your years of experience.

Speaker 2: 14:11

It's going to jar a lot of people, but for anyone who is brand new to me, just be okay with being awkward with me right now. So a huge part of what I teach is about being intentionally selfish. I literally wrote a book about it. It's not a how to book, it's not. Here's your 10 steps to do why. This is what it looks like not being selfish. This is how my life could have been if I would have continued not being selfish and when I chose to save myself by being selfish. This is how my life then became, which is why I'm a huge advocate for truly being intentionally selfish. And I'm also a lazy overachiever, which is a whole other thing, and both of those things took me a long time to embrace, because I was a version of the first example you use with the woman who felt like she had to choose and in choosing, that made it very difficult for me not to resent myself, not to resent the people that I worked really hard for.

Speaker 2: 15:13

My husband and I have been together since we were 17,. Married since 22, but together since 17, or friends since 13. We've been together a really long time. We really grew up to each other in all the crazy ways, like all the mistakes that you can make when you've known someone. Since you were a peepod, we definitely made them without physically harming each other or any of that. And in the process of that, I was coming from this space of huge abuse, everything that you can think of. I've been through it sexual abuse, intimate partner violence. I've been through all the things, both watching my parents and being a direct, impacted soul of it. It's probably why I became a trauma specialist and I worked in emergency rooms for 10 years and all the things, and it's probably what led me to supporting so many people that way.

Speaker 2: 16:01

But in all of that I thought that I had to work really, really hard to give my children, my family, our nucleus, an opportunity to not be caught in that poverty cycle which I thought was the blame for why my mother would allow herself to be in these relationships. And that's the younger part of me saying allow. Right, it's not the adult version of me saying allow, but the younger version of me seeing what she accepted from these men, including my father, before they divorced and all the things, and even after they divorced, and how he got to come back and forth and do the things, even though he had a whole new family that he had started. And me seeing my grandmother deal with that from my grandfather and all the different layers of that, and seeing other cousins and friends. And seeing my husband, his family.

Speaker 2: 16:52

His dad was an architect and a professor. His mom was a stay-at-home mom, 40 plus years married. If you didn't know inside the curtain you would just be like these are two completely different people, but we both had really similar pain. His dad was always working, so everything felt on his mom, my mother-in-love, which is what I call her she's my mom too and seeing that single mom-ness that she was feeling like they weren't coworkers, they weren't roommates. She was very much like a single mom who had a husband who would provide the staples, but there wasn't all of that emotional juiciness that we want On my side. I saw really hard-working women. One thing I can say about every single woman in my life they would hold three, four, five jobs. So guess what Nikita did? She would hold down three, four, five jobs. And even when she became an entrepreneur, which was just the one, that was the one focus. 12 and a half, almost 13 years ago, I wore 35 hats, because what's CEO, when you're an entrepreneur, is the chief everything officer, amen, preach.

Speaker 2: 17:58

You know what I mean. And because I was already, I was equipped, I was so available and ready mentally, in my mindset, to do all the things, because I hadn't been taught to let go. And I don't just mean that physically, I don't just mean that financially, I mean it in all the ways it was. Oh no, we are loyal.

Speaker 1: 18:20

Yes, that's part of your value, that's part of your work, part of the work.

Speaker 2: 18:24

And so for a lot of the humans that are listening to, this part of the challenge with being intentionally selfish and embracing a little lazy and all the things is oh, no, no, no, I'm a hard worker, I'm a doer, I'm a get-our-done-er you know all the little terms that we say. What's the nomenclature now is I'm a bad boss bitch. You know All of this other language that people are using.

Speaker 1: 18:46

Search Pinterest.

Speaker 2: 18:47

You'll find something right and people are really Vying to this hustle and bustle grind culture because fear of missing out right that, because of the Joneses down the street have said this is what you're supposed to have to look like you're successful. But they're not talking about are the midnight's being laid out on the bathroom floor, because for most mamas it's the only place you can get some privacy Assuming the kids are asleep is in the bathroom with the door closed for ten minutes, right, and in that ten minutes they're melting and there everything is falling apart and they're screaming inside their hands and they're crying and they're looking for a break and their mind might even be Wandering into. I should just take more pills, I should just drink more wine, I should just write whatever those just were. For me personally, which was one of the reasons I wrote selfish permission to pause, live, love and laugh your way to joy pluck.

Speaker 1: 19:42

Great title, great title. We'll make sure that's included in the show notes, by the way.

Speaker 2: 19:46

Thank you, title the reason that I wrote it is because my addiction wasn't any of those things. My addiction was stress, and I had to look at what was my challenge. Like I had stayed away from drugs and alcohol, I had stayed away from promiscuous behavior, I had stayed away from so many of the things that you're, like you know, seen as a bad human for. But what I had went towards was doing the thing that people validated me for, like, oh my god, nikita, all the degrees, all the certifications, oh, you're so brilliant, you're so profound.

Speaker 2: 20:18

It didn't feel me to have them say it, but it made me feel comfortable continuing on the path of Doing too much. What did I say? Teen too much? It was teen too much, but everyone else is validating teen too much, until one of them end up in the hospital and then they want to tell you oh, we should probably slow down, like we, we need to calm down because they've hit that wall. You don't usually give yourself permission to slow down until you're sitting in a hospital, so to speak, with an IV in your arm. But why does it have to come to that? Why do we need to have? Or your marriage is falling apart, or your marriage or there's infidelity because you're strangers and that's right.

Speaker 2: 20:59

Fill in the blank yes and and if you have children, your children are a mirror right, like they are Mirroring. They don't understand all the words, they don't understand all the things that are happening in the adult world with money and finances and all the things. But when they're acting out profusely and you can't get a handle on them, when you feel like they're not hearing you and you're saying the simplest things, because they're like you're telling me to do one thing, but I'm seeing you do something else, the math is not mapping, as the kids would say, it's not adding up, and so at some point we have to say let's not be a hypocrite. So what does that look like? How do I give myself that spaciousness to your question? For me it's literally being intentionally selfish, and I say intentionally very specifically. It's not to be in your ego, it's not to push other people down and make people feel like you know they can't get 10 feet, you know within 10 feet of you. It's to give yourself that spaciousness you need to create joy. You can't do it if you don't have time to do your own Self-acceptance work. If you don't have time for self forgiveness and I'm saying self for a reason it's easy to say I forgive you, honey, I love you, I forgive you, we're gonna go to counseling, we're gonna go to a couch, a coach, we're gonna go to advisor. We're gonna do whatever. We're gonna get through this.

Speaker 2: 22:16

And Part of the biggest issue is you're saying you forgive this person and you really, really mean it, but you haven't forgiven yourself. You haven't forgiven yourself for being in this situation where you feel like, well, what did I cause, what did I do? And there might be a part that you played in some of it. Right, like maybe not necessarily calling them all kinds of names on a regular basis, or maybe not making him feel like he, he can't be heard or seen or appreciated, like, yes, there's some components, but does that mean that you caused his behavior? Nope, it doesn't. But you're blaming yourself, which is part of why Counseling for some people isn't enough.

Speaker 2: 22:56

Counseling is really, really important, and I believe every therapist should have a therapist, so I am a huge Person who stands on that hill. At the same time, for many of us, it's not just the deep-rooted issue with the person. It's the script that was created when we were so much younger that told us we weren't enough and we had to Handle this. We had to receive this. We have to accept this. This is what we deserve.

Speaker 2: 23:21

There's so many other layers that come into that and that's a deeper part of the the route to thread work that I do Not in it as a counselor, but as a balance and relationship advisor, using those tools to help people see what's the thing that's really keeping you at this point, because technically, you're doing all the things, you're growing you, you have the portfolio, your business is good, you're making money, like Technically on paper, in front of the curtain it looks well, yes, but I keep seeing you on the floor. I keep seeing the back and floor version of you. What's happening here with the disconnect? And that's where a lot of the work is needed and often is to help them with the mindset of it's okay to be intentionally selfish, for you to do what you need to do to refuel and to recharge and to Honestly to be able to relax your nervous system so you can get a handle on yourself again and not constantly be in this Toxic relationship deja vu cycle with yourself, right?

Speaker 1: 24:25

there's a really Beautiful duality to what you're saying, because I think the interesting tension that we have here is in, in order to be intentionally selfish, it also requires a degree of humility, yes, where ultimately you have to stand back and leave you said this and and I've experienced this where it's like you have to stand back and recognize I Am part of the problem, yes, and I am not perfect and I am Doing things poorly. Like you just said, I'm doing things poorly, that does not inherently mean somebody else does not have control of their own Reactions, their own choices. We can't take ownership of everything.

Speaker 1: 25:11

That's not appropriate either. However, we have to be able to humbly say, okay, I am a problem part of the problem, and Then owning that part of it. Then it's like okay, now that I recognize that it is within my power to make the choice to be intentionally selfish, where now I work on my issues For the sake of my own joy and my own freedom and my own health, so that Ultimately then I can create an even bigger impact in the world. And it's like that weird tension of you know, and I think that's where a lot of us, that's where a lot of us miss the boat and where it's so hard, because Many of us are like, yes, intentionally selfish, but then we're like, oh, but this also means that I have to acknowledge it, I'm a mess, right, right. So Nikita and I are well, if you're listening, we are welcoming you with open arms to join the mess.

Speaker 2: 26:09

Yes, girl come.

Speaker 1: 26:10

We are welcoming you to join the mess, because we are all imperfect and Anyways. So I just it's really beautiful what you're saying, because it's something that it takes a lot of work and a lot of support and it's a beautiful thing that you're offering. Thank you people to be able to do Nikita. Okay, this is really simple. It's like would you rather two options, no stress, whichever comes to mind first. Would you rather a baked good or a milkshake?

Speaker 2: 26:38

Mmm, definitely a milkshake, because I'm gluten-free and most baked goods are disgusting.

Speaker 1: 26:43

Well then, that's a fair okay. What kind of milkshake is your go-to?

Speaker 2: 26:48

I'm pea protein, a chocolate pea protein shake okay, sweet zen basil and a little bit of super food. I'm simple, super specific. I love it super specific.

Speaker 1: 26:57

Chocolate and basil is not too. I would have thought of mixing. It's delicious, that's hilarious. I will take your word for it. Okay, would you rather watch baseball or watch? Watch baseball or watch basketball? Definitely basketball. Basketball is there like a specific sport in your home, or you guys not really, my husband is all the sports.

Speaker 2: 27:26

Um, but basketball is the one that I can tolerate, because they get to watch them and run around in cute little shorts. But that's about it. I'm that wife. That's like yay, honey. Whatever you're excited for, as I'm reading my book, I'll listen into a podcast. That's hilarious.

Speaker 1: 27:40

That's hilarious. Is football watched in your home? Yes, yes yeah, big, big big football. That's so funny. Yeah, basketball is a long season, that's my thing about basketball. I feel like it never stops. No, it really doesn't, and it hits all the major holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, new Year's and, if it's early enough, easter, that's right. Yeah, thankfully, my kids are all probably not, can be super tall, so I don't think basketball is in our future. I don't know. I was in one of that tall so that's fair.

Speaker 1: 28:14

That is fair. He also had a vertical, like as big as he was Um. Would you rather go shoe shopping or clothing shopping?

Speaker 2: 28:29

Oh, that's a good one, because I am honestly not a shopper at all.

Speaker 1: 28:33

I will say oh, OK. I'll say Yay, we were meant to be friends. I'm with you there, right Like. It's just not my.

Speaker 2: 28:39

You know, I like nice things, but I don't necessarily want to spend eight hours looking for them. Amen, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 28:45

Yeah, so you said shoes. If you had to do one of two. Yeah, I am a shoe lover, for sure. That's like my one fashion weakness, if you will, but I'm with you. I'm like Amazon Click that, try them all on at home, send them back. Yes, not a shopper either. Would you rather garden or cook?

Speaker 2: 29:07

Oh, so the 2023 version of the key that wants to say garden, because I'm like a plant auntie, like I'm trying to become a plant mom. Yep, yep, yep, I'm trying. Cooking is easier defaults my husband used to do all the cooking till about 10 years ago, and I'm trying, I'm really trying on, I'm trying to like it. I'm trying to like it.

Speaker 1: 29:29

I hear that I can like keeping my three children alive is I mean plants. It's like forget it. You know what I mean. Like three children are fed Great. That's why I don't have animals either. I'm like I don't need a dog. I have three children, oh no, and they are like very much like children. So yes, yes, I mean even plants, like the amount of care to keep some of these plants alive. I'm like girl, I don't have time for that.

Speaker 2: 29:53

Right, like it's a whole thing. I use a app. I'm like, I'm so.

Speaker 1: 29:57

Oh, that's crazy.

Speaker 2: 29:58

An app that reminds me water, mist, fertilize, and then I click it.

Speaker 1: 30:03

and if I'm OK, what app?

Speaker 2: 30:05

What app? What's it called? Planting, planting, pla and T I N, I think, planting, and that you just take a picture of your plants, it tells you what kind it is and it tells you what, how much light you know, it tells you all the things and then you set it up and it'll remind you Valuable knowledge because I, so we're building a home right now that we should be in by next summer, and I have dreams, like you, of gardening.

Speaker 1: 30:30

I love the concept of gardening. I'm big into whole food nutrition. It's really important to me, so I love the concept of it. Yeah, the execution of it is a whole another. But that is gold. So you guys plant in PLA and T I N. We'll see if we can find the link, see if my editor can find it and drop it in the in the notes.

Speaker 2: 30:49

But that's fantastic, it's cool, I'll be using that one. Cool, and it'll tell you you can scan if your plant looks a little sick and it'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's a pretty cool app.

Speaker 1: 30:57

That's amazing. I wish I'd one of those for my kids, right and my child. Here's one to water it. Here's one to.

Speaker 2: 31:05

And for different parts of the business. Scan this what's what's going on? Amen.

Speaker 1: 31:09

That's right. Yes, just tell me what to do.

Speaker 2: 31:12

We just created a money's billion dollar app.

Speaker 1: 31:15

They were going to listen to this and get it. That's right. Just remember us for the royalties. We'll take some of that, that's right. There are so many things that we could dive into with your expertise, but a couple of things, and you can feel free to dive into areas that are more applicable. But I would love to talk about a couple of things that you mentioned on your website and you know making it applicable to Women like myself, like we've identified, but also just relationships. Nikita said this too.

Speaker 1: 31:47

You know my husband and I are both were high achievers. This is something we talk about a lot is a lot of times in an entrepreneurial relationship. One of the two is the more like bold, go getter achiever. The other one's more like the silent servant, and it's beautiful, and I love when I see couples that are like that. My husband and I are not like that. We're both high achievers. We both have two master's degrees. We have both, you know, with a great team, like built programs from the ground up, and so we often look at each other and we're like we overwhelm each other right, because we're both like go, go, go. We also support each other really well because there's a mutual understanding and an excitement for each other's Accomplishments and success. So there's Interesting like give and take there. So, speaking to either the couple, who is similar to that, or is just simply, like you said, busy yeah, busy in their own areas of life and to be high achievers in other ways, or they are in business together, I think what you offer is applicable to pretty much any couple is where I'm going with this. You guys, for those of you listening, don't tune out because you're like we're not a power couple. You probably are Right, so just take everything that she's saying and I think it's going to be applicable.

Speaker 1: 33:10

But one of the things that I want to talk about is your micro sabbatical, hansep. So, you guys, I emailed her, but I don't even know when it was, and I got this automatic email response back and I can't remember exactly what it said, but it said something like Our entire office is out of the office for it was like X amount of weeks and we do not take six, six weeks. We don't take emails, like literally, that was just an auto response. I didn't hear anything back except I replied. I replied back and I was like this is amazing Good for you. I was like this is so cool, so tell me about this concept of leveraging micro sabbaticals. You specifically say leverage micro sabbaticals to work less and trust more. Yes, love that, yeah.

Speaker 2: 33:55

And I actually refined it even more to trust your inner brilliance more, because that's usually what comes up Like how do I know? When do I know? And often the answer is right there. It's just under so much confusion and frustration. I call it calcified chaos. It's like cemented over your truth. That's right there, you just got to chisel at it.

Speaker 2: 34:16

So micro sabbaticals started for us close to 11 years ago. It really legit, is like 10 years ago. But the first summer I tried it. It didn't go well because I didn't realize how much of the the do or do, or do or go, go, go that I was still struggling with. So I took off about four weeks.

Speaker 2: 34:36

We didn't have a big team at the time. We don't have a big team now. We're a boutique business. But it was just a few of us and I was like all right, we're going to take off. But we were technically closed and I was still working, which is why I'm like I really don't count that for summer, because I was still doing all the behind the scenes stuff that we have to do, all the tech stuff when no one's answering the phone. And this was pre covid. And then I got really serious about it because I wanted to be a reflection. We are a balance and relationship management institute and I really wanted to reflect that in every way. And I said well, not everyone has to take off two, four or six weeks at a time. That's actually only one of our micro sabbaticals. We do a couple through the year, but the summer is like the juicy meat one selfishly, because my birthday and anniversary is in the middle of the summer.

Speaker 1: 35:20

So you know, girl, I support that.

Speaker 2: 35:25

So a lot of what I, what I teach for the potent humans, which are the women founders and entrepreneurs and execs. They're typically the ones that are like I need to do more of this. We do it in 10 minute increments. If I can get you to have 10 minutes of guilt free time and then build up from there 20 minutes, 90 minutes a day, a half day, a full day a weekend, and kind of go from there, then you're more likely to be able to move into a fuller sabbatical, not just for yourself but for your team, if you have that authority in your organization or in your business to be able to set that up. And there's all kinds of logistics that go to it.

Speaker 2: 35:59

When you're paying consultants and outsourced personnel versus in-house people, of course, but logistically it's really dealing with the guilt and the shame that's keeping you from honoring that. You deserve that time. You're better when you have that time and I say it to couples as well, not just individuals and organizations when you miss each other for a couple of days. The sex is so much better when you come back together, right Like, the energy is so much better. The eye contact is so much better. The, the playfulness, the teasing. The flirting is so much better when you have a little assuming you have that healthy foundation.

Speaker 2: 36:35

Yes, of course, of course Assuming that you're not in like a toxic loop of any kind, but when you have it, it really really can be better. Now, if you are in that, obviously we got some work to do. We got to get you safe with each other, get you trusting each other again, which means reminding you that you have to trust your intuition first, which actually sounds more simpler than it is Like it technically is simple, but not easy for people to really trust themselves because there's so much noise in the 2020s. We have social media telling you that you should look like this, you should dress like this, you should be like this, you should be flossing or flossing like that, and that's not the reality for everybody's want to, which, for me, is a part of my definition, my formula for balance, is that myth the truth of what you want more than anything, not just what you need, but what you want, over the boundaries that you're willing to create to achieve that truth as a reality. So, if I can get you to admit what you really want, hey, I actually don't want a business with a hundred employees. I actually don't want to have my kids in 18 different activities, because all of my neighbors say that that's what you're supposed to do so they can get into these colleges. But there are five guys they're five years old right now. I mean we don't. We don't need to do that, unless that's your want to and is it? Is it truly your want to? Or did your mom plan a seed that you'll be less than or you're not considered as successful without this degree or this background, or your kids going to this boarding school?

Speaker 2: 38:06

Right, like looking at what I call expire expectations is a huge part of the work that I do, because it's not just the expectations of those other peripheral people who you love, who love you, who matter to you, but it's also those expectations that you had of yourself that expired because they don't serve you anymore.

Speaker 2: 38:24

Twenty plus year old Nikita had a very different version of what her life was going to be than 40 plus year old Nikita, and if I would still hold myself to the want to use of 20 plus year old Nikita, I would feel like a failure, because there's so many things that were on that check box list that I don't even think about, let alone care about.

Speaker 2: 38:44

But if that's where you're holding yourself, then you're literally stifling your dreams and suffocating because of expectations that no longer support, serve or allow you to thrive, and for some of us it's also the expectations of our parents, or that gym teacher that told you you couldn't, or the dance teacher that told you were too skinny, too fat, too wide, too short, too tall, whatever the case is. So a lot of it is really kind of descripting people from all of those unfortunate patterns that have kind of entangled I'm careful with that word in the age of Will and Jada, but they kind of entangled us and so many ways and really help you fly. But you can't do that if you're still trapped in those old ways of beings and that old way has become your prison. So a lot of the power couple work is similar to the potent human work. It's just we're also dealing with the dual dynamic.

Speaker 1: 39:40

When I love the what you said about expired expectations. I think step number one because this is so applicable to marriage for sure. I mean so much of the work that you do is, like you just said. It is narratives that were formed when you were very young and then continued to build on itself as you got older, and the expired expectations piece is one that I think that's worth settling on for a second, because I think if we look at ourselves individually, especially in marriage, and ask ourselves these questions, it's also really healthy to evaluate how it's impacting our mutual goals as a couple and how much are we being held back by these expired expectations.

Speaker 1: 40:24

How would we identify an expired expectation? Because I think that's half of the challenge, yeah Is we don't even recognize that this is an expired expectation, meaning this is not actually something I really want. I'm exhausted, I'm overwhelmed. My kids are in a gazillion things, like you just said. They're young and yet I don't seem to be able to make the connection that well. Maybe I would be less exhausted and overwhelmed if my kid only did one thing a year yeah, because they're seven or whatever. So how do we even recognize something as an expired expectation or something that is not actually Serving us well.

Speaker 2: 41:12

So I usually walk people through a like joy map method is like part of our proprietary system, and we do a joy line. So, doing a joy line, we usually walk back, depending on the circumstances, anywhere from six to nine months, and in walking back, you know most of us will think of all the negative things that have happened. And that's just law of negativity, bias, it's normal. You'll get a hundred compliments but one not so good, and all you can think about is the one not so good. So I do a little reversal of that with the joy map line and we're literally mapping out all of the things that lit you up over that. Let's say six months, if we're just going in that period. So we'll look at this is at the time of this recording. We're in November. So we look November, october, september, go all the way back, if my math is right, roughly till May-ish, and we would go back and say, well, okay, well, what happened this week in November? Well, this is the week of so and so date. What lit you up? Nothing lit me up. Nothing at all made you excited, made you feel good, made you feel nourished, made you feel appreciated, like I walked through specific prompts. Nope, nothing. Okay, let's go back a little bit further. Sometimes we have to use milestones like birthdays or holidays or anniversaries to pull people in and also tells me if someone is dealing with like situational depression because that apathy doesn't allow them to even really highlight something that made them excited at that time, because they're in such a lull at that particular time. So, assuming that those things aren't present, usually someone will say well, I was really happy when I was I'll pick on gardening when I was outside on the balcony watering my aloe plants and just being able to breathe in nature. I could hear the kids playing down below. They were playing soccer in the backyard and the dog, the cat and the frog were also playing and nothing was getting knocked over. All right, what about that lit you up.

Speaker 2: 43:03

So we kind of go deeper, deeper, deeper, and then we get to a space where we can dare. And the dare part of that is daring them to recreate some of these moments to see if it gives them the same lit upness as it did when it was organic. And that's part of the accountability work, if you will, in between sessions. So when they dare themselves to try to recreate and of course we're very specific in the recreation based on the markers that they've said. Like, this thing here lit me up. This other thing, and let's say a third thing. Let's put them together and see what really works. If you can recreate that and it's giving you nearly as much joy, maybe even more, because you kind of controlled it in recreating, then there's something really juicy about that.

Speaker 2: 43:45

So then I'll ask them well, where does this show up in your day to day or your week to week life? It really doesn't. That was a one off. I don't really get a chance to do it unless you know it's my birthday and my husband takes the kids away for a few hours, like I only get once a year. Well, how would it feel? Just sit with me. I want you to embody it. How would it feel to have this happen every Monday? The same experience, the same. Oh my God, it's no way. Don't think about the impossibilities, infinite possibilities.

Speaker 2: 44:17

So we walk them through the whole thing, and a lot of it really is bringing you back into this immersive experience of your own joy. Nothing Nikita is doing, I'm just helping you re-immers in that and kind of embody it in all of your five senses. So I do walk them through, like you got a touch, taste, smell, all of the experience to in a guided imagery way, kind of get that neurobiology working to really bring you into the experience. If I did my job right and having you have that now, and if you can see that more often, what's keeping you from being able to do that? Oh well, nikita, I got 25 reports a week. I got an audit this week. I have that right.

Speaker 2: 44:55

Like all the things, some are very time-specific and temporary. Some things are rote and ongoing that we're holding on, like that example I used at the start of our session when I talked about being used to five hats that have became the CEO for real in my business and I was wearing all 35, like it was normal and not understanding that it doesn't have to be that way. So Adrenal Fatigue, cortisol levels, all of those things are impacted because you are team too much. So what happens if you remove some of those things? Delegate, defer, delete in some situations, because some things we're holding on because we're so used to doing them we think we have to, but the metrics are actually saying why are you doing this?

Speaker 2: 45:40

I mean if they don't have metrics in place. We talk about that as well if they happen to be a business owner, so kind of bringing them into that and then tearing it apart to see how we can make more room for it. That's often how people will see that some of the things they thought they had to do, they don't really need to do. For some other people I have to be way more brute force and say it's 12 pm Eastern Standard Time. You are not going to be on this earth in 12 more hours. What's coming off your plate? And I have to really take them into a much, I hate to say, darker place, but that really is like they have to be forced into that space because otherwise they'll get into analysis, paralysis with a longer way.

Speaker 1: 46:22

That was just talking about.

Speaker 2: 46:25

And usually when I tell people they got 12 hours, nope, you don't got time to send email, you don't have time for second testing, you don't have time for anything else. What is no longer on your plate. That's when people get really honest. Well, I want to spend time with my lover, I want to tell my mother how I really feel and I want to forgive her for real, versus me just saying it. And over Thanksgiving dinner or whatever. And when we come into that place, that's often how they can look at those other kind of shards that are tearing out of their life and tearing through their soul, that have been there and they just thought it was normal part of the pain.

Speaker 1: 47:00

Yeah, you said something that I think is so applicable and I want to encourage you listening. Maybe you don't even work outside of the home. Give me a minute here because I'm going to help you see how everything that she is saying whether you're a stay at home mom or you are like a high executive what she's saying is so applicable to all of us as humans. And you said something like what keeps us from taking that step? You know you ask that question like we have to ask ourselves what is keeping us from taking away some of those things that we think we have to do.

Speaker 1: 47:33

And you know I'll throw out in my own life, I think something that I've really had to come to is this concept of so much of what I hustle to do is because I'm not satisfied with enough.

Speaker 1: 47:48

And there's this constant pursuit for more. And I mean welcome to America. Right, we are so blessed here, we are so blessed, but this is a very American mindset and it is this concept of hustle, hustle, hustle, with endless pursuit of enough, and we're rarely actually satisfied. And so I have had to, in my own life, be able to recognize that half of the battle is simply just saying deep breath, I'm not going to do that thing, I'm not going to say yes to this, even though it might be good but it might not be right, because I just need to Enough, this is enough and I'm satisfied. And so I think that is half the battle for us is, we are constantly pursuing more and we just need to be able to say yes to less and Be satisfied and say enough in so many areas of our life. So you know, for the stay-at-home mom, where do you just need to say yes to less and Be content with enough?

Speaker 2: 48:50

Oh, I love that so much. I love how you worded it too. It's the other podcast that we have, the balance bully podcast, but the lazy overachiever is the one that's coming up in the next few weeks and that one, thank you. It was born from this very specific issue is there's so many of us overachieving, high achieving, ambitious go-getters, first-part-taker, over here. That also when they came into a space of understanding that you can, you can't have both. You just have to kind of meter yourself a little bit. Honor your need for rest and relaxation and recharging as much as you honor your need to dominate Whatever that obstacle that's rent, that project, that goal is, and when you can put them on the same priority line, it shifts you Internally. It really shifts things when you don't have it as a a vertical stack but you actually put it on a parallel line. Like you know what Nikita's not kind when she doesn't have eight point two, five hours of sleep, right.

Speaker 2: 49:51

She's right that point two, five people mess up the point Right, like she really needs that and had to learn that about herself when she was used to five hours and could do Amazing things off of five hours, but at what risk?

Speaker 2: 50:06

at what cost right for your body and all the things that people don't know About behind the scenes. But you know that you're dealing with us. Those eights and I was dealing with, like rheumatoid arthritis type pain in my 30s. Of what? Because of the way that I was skating on a roller coaster, holding spinning plates, with all the major things that I had going on in my life and this is someone who had all the tools, who Performed the tools, who showed other people how to use that right but wasn't using them for herself.

Speaker 2: 50:37

Yeah, so it happens to the best of us. It doesn't make you less or not as smart or not as brilliant or inferior.

Speaker 1: 50:46

What makes you human? Welcome to the club.

Speaker 2: 50:48

Yes, it makes you human, and I think one of the things that we can do is not give ourselves a Pass like normalize it, yes, but don't give yourself a pass to keep being that's right.

Speaker 1: 50:59

We all have that grace without excuse, you guys, it's you show yourself grace, but no excuses tomorrow.

Speaker 2: 51:05

No justified excuses. There's a little A caveat that I like to think of. Most of us have that one uncle, that one cousin, that one friend that comes to the barbecue and you're like oh my god, who invited this person? And, and right, because they're coming with a certain energy, yeah, certain personality. And there's, there's another auntie, your uncle or someone has like oh, that's just John, that's just who they are, that's just who they've always been. And the thing that comes up for me whenever I hear someone say oh, that's just Nikita, oh, that's just Tiffany, that's just, you know, whoever like.

Speaker 2: 51:41

Why are they just that way? Is it because we keep set saying it's okay, it's okay for them to just keep cussing and fussing in front of the kids? They can just be in this way? It's because we've allowed it to happen. And we have to look at ourselves the same way, like why are you just Tolerating the fact that you're not sleeping enough, you're not getting enough protein? You're not. You don't have ten minutes to stretch, like what is happening in your life, where it's not An exception once in a while, you really just don't have the time. But every day you don't have the time. You can't take care of this body so this body can take care of you. You can't take care of this mind, this marriage, these children, right, like we can go on and on and on. This New program or project you're working on. It's not gonna write itself, it's not gonna record itself. You have to make the time, and we do make time for things that we feel Is not.

Speaker 2: 52:34

People say things like you make time for what you want. That's not always true. I think you make time for what you feel. Other people will say that that was a good thing, that you will be Validated for out, externally validated. That's the thing you're more likely to put higher up Versus the thing that might actually mean more to you. If it means more to you to, I don't know, play in the garden, and I say that very loosely, but if it means more for you to do that, but it has nothing to do with your business, maybe that is your therapy, maybe that's where you need to be for 10 minutes and let God talk to you. If you are a believer, let your downloads come in. If you understand, the permission to slow down does speed you up like that. Yes, the last is very powerful, but you have to make room for it.

Speaker 1: 53:23

You have to make room for it. Absolutely, nikita. Where can people find you? You, you offer just so much, so much. I Don't even need to say more than that. There's so much amazingness. Um, what website can people go to to find you? You do offer virtual. I saw virtual Services as well. So where can people find you? Follow you?

Speaker 2: 53:46

Thank you, anna. I'll say the easiest place where we update all the time is big pearl calm. That's our website. T H I G P R? O. I do have a bounds belief for ambitious women in business and a few brave men podcasts, so you can listen to that everywhere. Podcasts are found. That's also on the website. And then the lazy overachiever is coming soon. There's a lot of stuff that we have that we release in increments and it's also Most things are bespoke. They're custom to the couple or the potent human that I'm working with, and when we do group programs we try to make sure that they all align, like you're not going into a cohort with too many Different personalities. That it's more complimentary, so there's not a lot of conflict.

Speaker 1: 54:36

Well, I love what you do. You're serving people so well and it's such an honor to have you here. I pray God's blessing over your heart, your home, all of the amazing people that you're serving, and it was really truly Enjoyable to chat.

Speaker 2: 54:49

Thank you.

Speaker 1: 54:50

I'm honored.