EP 135: Breaking Free From Self-Sabotage With World-Renown Addiction Expert [and Recovered Alcoholic] Dr. Robb Kelly, Ph.D

Have you ever wondered what it takes to not only survive but thrive after the clutches of addiction? Dr. Robb Kelly joins us to share his riveting journey from a life ravaged by alcoholism to becoming a beacon of hope for those struggling with addiction. With a tale that tugs at the heartstrings, Dr. Kelly reveals the profound insights he has gained from his experiences, providing a scientific and emotional perspective on the treacherous path of addiction and the power of recovery. His story is a testament to the human spirit's resilience and the extraordinary potential for transformation.

JUMP RIGHT TO IT:

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0:00 Introductions with Dr. Robb Kelly

10:22 Overcoming Self-Sabotage and Achieving Happiness

23:50 Masks, Confidence, and Self-Validation

49:21 Intervention and Support for Addiction

CONNECT WITH DR. ROBB:

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Website: https://www.robbkelly.com

Instagram: @addiction_doctor

Facebook: @DrRewire

Phone Number: (210)-620-3555

Robb’s Personal (TEXT): (214)-600-0210

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:22

Hi guys, welcome back to the Imperfectly Empowered podcast. Today we have Dr Rob Kelly on the show. Dr Rob is a world-renowned addiction expert who believes in treating the problem, not the symptoms. To date, he has helped over 5,000 people recover their lives from the disease of addiction, including celebrities in film, music and sports alike. He is a frequently requested guest lecturer at high-profile universities and hospitals. Based on his own experiences working with addicts and alcoholics over the last 20 years, combined with a PhD in psychology and as a recovered alcoholic himself, he is a triple threat against the disease of addiction here to share his expertise and his story.

Speaker 1: 1:12

Welcome recovery expert, dr Rob Kelly. I already introduced you to my people here, listening and watching. I loved reading through your story and just the progression of where you've been and where you are right now, but I like to press the rewind button a little bit and highlight your story. That started at a pretty young age in terms of your personal experience with addiction. So I would love to hear that backstory and I think it sets you up even more powerfully for your expertise. Education and degrees aside, you've experienced it, so tell us a little bit about your story.

Speaker 2: 1:57

So I'm from a musical family. I was on stage at nine years old playing professionally with my auntie and uncle. So that's why I took my first drink at the age of nine in Liverpool, united Kingdom. Progressive illness alcoholics are born, drug addicts are made. So from that first drink there was a ticking time clock on me which nobody knew back then and some don't now. So yeah, it was kind of a. I was, I wanted to be a pro musician.

Speaker 2: 2:23

Through school I played in bands and you know stuff like that. But I found that every weekend I'd be drinking and then starting. But surely you know it takes his time, it takes his toll throughout the 60s. So I went to college I shouldn't have gone there, just got it by a fluke of a Freemason friend knowing a Freemason. I was pretty clear about that, you know. But I got through calling what? Drinking, drinking, drinking all the time. And he was many years later that he finally brought me to my knees after I'd lost everything. And the reason why I'm here today I'm still doing what I did today is nobody had the answer for me. So I would go to my doctor and he would go. I think you're like a holly and you should start drinking and I'm thinking why can't I do that?

Speaker 2: 3:09

Everything else was brilliant. I was playing Abbey Road, which is a great studio in London. Guys, beatles played there, played with David Bowie on John, did all sessions with them. Guys, I was the golden boy, you know. But I couldn't stop this drinking stuff, so it bemused me. So when I finally, you know, got on the streets and I came off, I swore to me that the rest of my life and God, the rest of my life I would help people understand what they're going through. So when I first started this 15 years ago in America, it was purely alcohol and drug addiction. But now it's 10% alcohol, drug addiction and 90% child trauma, performance, color change, all the great stuff that gets people from A to B.

Speaker 2: 3:52

Like I've just lost 150 pounds over the last 18 months, you know, because I want to get back, I mean at the age of 60, everyone said it's all over for you.

Speaker 2: 4:02

Kind of joking and I said you know something I want to get back in shape like it did when I was 18, everybody laughed, but with the neuroscience mindset that I haven't teach here, I am, you know, weighing in at 10 pounds and 360 pounds almost two years ago. So it emphasizes like you said. It emphasizes like hey, I'm teaching this, but I've also been through it because my education is awesome, don't get me wrong, but that's 3% of what I do today and 97% is my experience going through it and coming out the other way.

Speaker 1: 4:35

Yeah, let's, let's tap into that a little bit more, because I agree with you. I think experience is perhaps our greatest life teacher, whether it be for ourselves or then for other people. And one thing that I think is really powerful to hone in on when we talk about the addiction piece but this can be true from an inward standpoint as well, whether it be, you know, a mental disease or a addiction to other things. Addiction we often think of outward substances, but there's other things and other ways to be addicted. Like you said, it's almost more of a mindset than it is a a physical, very specific physical aspect to it.

Speaker 1: 5:20

But you went through college as an addict. You went through, you saw, like you just said, you saw a lot of success, despite the fact that you were living addicted to in this case, alcohol, I believe you said and you still hit all of these outward markers of success. So, playing devil's advocate, I would suggest, or I would ask, why bother changing the addiction because you still had success in all of these other ways? What was it in your life? Even then? You lost everything at one point. But there's a lot of people who are at that stage right now when they haven't lost everything yet and life is still okay. But what was it, looking back, that you were feeling that could have been better? That person who is still experiencing success. They're still making a lot of money at their job, their family hasn't fallen apart yet, but they are in the throes of addiction. What is it that they are feeling? That they might not even recognize they could be experiencing so much more if they intervened in their addiction.

Speaker 2: 6:41

When I came around and looked at the neuroscience and the diseases as a whole. Like you said, all addictions cake, food, porn, sex it makes no difference, it's an addiction. The only addiction that differs is alcoholism, because three parts of the brain differ from any other addiction, but the addiction personality is what most people suffer from there's a fine line between alcoholism and heavy drinking or abusing.

Speaker 2: 7:03

It's hereditary. I'm allergic to ethanol, but what you have to remember is I have that addiction personality addicted mind that I either do something or I don't. So alcohol has one percent to do with alcoholism. And when I say that people go, oh, my, yeah, and the same with drugs and anything else, it's only the sense of it's not a problem. You see, the problem in my mind is my mind wants to self sabotage all of the time. So you know, I get the car, I get the house, I get the wife, I go bam.

Speaker 2: 7:31

I go out for a month drinking a bit and it just repeats. It's called the basal ganglia in our brain. It just, it's a repetition strength and confirms, usually for good, but in my case and anything with the addictive brain, it's for bad. So a certain point I'll bring everything down on my head and start again, which I have done three times, by the way, because of my past. But yeah, I mean, you take the alcohol away, you're still left with me. You take the drugs for food, you're still awake with me.

Speaker 2: 8:02

And one of the reasons I turn to drugs or sex or porn is because I can't stand myself. I hate myself. I'm learning behavior and investment from caregivers, from my childhood trauma, which is the gateway drug, by the way guys performs and sets my life out to always go through on these path of self sabotage. So, even though we take that away, if nothing changes, then nothing changes because you will go on to relapse again and most people are walking around about 45 to 50% of their capability and capacity, and what I mean by that is they everyone's addicted to something.

Speaker 2: 8:36

Everybody has an addiction or a self sabotaging pattern that they follow. So when they get to a certain point they cap themselves out and then they you know they self sabotage and they break up relationships and work subconsciously. So they're not aware of this, but they always come back and sooner or later, if you do have an addiction like I said, all people have one find out what it is. If you don't address that pertaining as well to the childhood trauma, then you will always be in this pattern, because life is about patterns all the time.

Speaker 2: 9:07

Let's say you get on a bus and you go somewhere. You go to the seaside with your friends, you have a few beers, that about. You get back on the bus, which seat you sit in? The one you travel there. So then my new patterns that we don't notice are absolutely huge, and it's about spotting them and addressing them. So these guys with their addicted personalities, tainting to drug addiction and stuff like that, once clear, once neural pathways and the brains being reprogrammed that's what we do they go on to be huge successes in every good night want to do.

Speaker 1: 9:41

How would you? Well, two questions One for the person who maybe is in a little bit of denial in terms of their addictive personality, because, like you just said, it's more than just drugs and alcohol. There's a lot of different things, but I think sometimes if we don't see a really clear outward addiction, we don't recognize that we are, as you said. Really the underlying issue is that self-sabotage not even necessarily the outward symptom of your addiction. How might somebody recognize that in themselves, that otherwise they might not have the ability to see that clearly?

Speaker 2: 10:23

So let's take the gym, for instance. Now, obviously, the gym is very healthy. You're addicted to the gym. Listen, if you go on vacation with the family for family time because you're working a lot and the first thing you do when you land a plane in France or someone has looked for the nearest gym, there's a problem there and you have to look at the problem. So anything that takes you away from the family place either parents or husband or wife and takes you into this other place where you can block this out is a kind of addiction. So there are healthy addiction. They're non-healthy addiction.

Speaker 2: 10:57

Are you performing at 100%? That's the question. Are you performing on a plan? Well, I don't know what that looks like. Are you living the dream? You said a dream and a living. Do you have everything? Do you have all your needs in life? Are you as successful as you want to be? Whatever success looks like For mine, at one point it was getting my children back.

Speaker 2: 11:15

I was the most successful person in the world. I thought money would make me happy. It doesn't. It doesn't. You know, I have plenty of that stuff. It does not make me happy. So just look at your life.

Speaker 2: 11:29

I mean people say all the time to me they say we can't have a good day every day, says who who's making these rules on? Because I don't like it. So I get my mind programmed by brain every single morning one week, so whatever. So mind over matter is true. Mind energy matter of the brain. We can train our mind to produce into our brain the chemicals that's needed to have a fantastic and successful day. So what again? Also get into neuroscience. We understand that we're not performing. I've never had anybody come to me, at 8000 patients and counting over 30 years, saying I was doing amazing, doing great and everything's good, because nine times out of ten it isn't. But the stuff we're hiding. We're not going to tell anybody. We're not going to disclose that to another human being because one. We think we're the only person going through that, because we're embarrassed to tell somebody else. Secondly, you have to understand that this is the way the human mind and brain and central nervous system work. There's always going to be a default setting and if you don't find out what that default setting is again, not only will you so consistently self-sabotage, but you will live a miserable life.

Speaker 2: 12:39

It's about being happy every day. It's about being content. I am happy every day. I'm a 10 out of 10 every single day, but I do have better days than others, you know. So I'm good at perspective. At one time, my living room, my lounge, my bedroom, my toilet, my restroom was all on one seat in the middle of Manchester. One seat. That was all I did, that stayed there for 14 months. How, in perspective, can I get up out of my bed today, be bombarded by my two English bulldogs while my wife is making tea for me? You know, in this nice house that we created and travelled to work in a company. How Well? The reason is you can't. So what people do is they feed off people around them. Show me your friends, I'll show you your future. You know, I talk to them about it. I've had a really bad day.

Speaker 1: 13:28

And I always say this to them was it a bad day or was it?

Speaker 2: 13:30

five minutes that you strung out all day. Because it is always the five minutes that we stick in that part of our self-sabotage, and not only do we go through the day, but we affect others and bring them into that chaotic world, because some people have.

Speaker 1: 13:46

I love that. I love that. I'm gonna repeat that again in case you guys missed that. Did you truly have a bad day or did you string out those bad five minutes for the rest of the day? I think therein is the self-sabotage, right there in a sentence. That was brilliant, yes, yeah. So here's a question as a parent because what has been I have absolutely I can see that we all have some self-sabotage tendencies. I can also see that some, by nature, have more so than others. I see this even in my biological offspring. I have one who came out with just this inherent self-sabotage tendency and she's young, she's not even that old, but we saw it from a really, really young age and her gifts are her weaknesses, like it's true for all of us. But I'm curious, as a parent raising young children, any tips or advice that you have based on your experience as a parent with a child who has a tendency for self-sabotage even at a young age?

Speaker 2: 15:26

Well, learn behavior in a measurement plays big. Now, before I start this parent do I not to blame? First of all, it's learn behavior. It's a measurement, so parents can pass down depression to children and stuff like that, but it's just watching. Anything less than nurturing is child abuse as far as we're concerned. So lots of nurturing, lots of love, lots of other boys. Make sure you always validate, because people don't.

Speaker 1: 15:51

Today they really don't.

Speaker 2: 15:53

You can stick your foot up again for 12 hours a day and the parent, oh great, fine, jim is okay. You show me a kid that's on a gaming console for nine hours a day and I'll show you a future ad. And we're still learning at that age. How many people out there, guys, have dinner at night time with their families sat together? Well, we all have dinner in front of the TV. That's not the same thing. How many people?

Speaker 2: 16:15

It's like we have to start watching our young ones, watching who they mix with From afar. We don't want to micromanage them, but they will thank you years in advance after when we find out. So you can turn it around. You just have to look at the any kind of child of Trump they've been through and that's not. You know people arguing violence. It can be something menascule, like a teacher at school. How many times have I told you, jen, you can't spell that. Just give up on that. Oh, my goodness, you know. So we just have to look and watch and nurture and we can, jen, really can. Yeah, it's about patterns. We have to look for them.

Speaker 2: 16:57

So there was a young girl in Manchester back in the late 60s got snatched up the side of the road 16 years old, blue eyes, blonde hair. The media went frenzy over this a school girl and the manhunt was on and nobody could find him. So they pulled back the manhunt. Nine months later a police car was traveling another. They had another car in the country and they had a broken indicator backlight so he pulled him over.

Speaker 2: 17:23

Now back in the day you don't know computers or anything to check if it's your car, but the police used to say, hey, what's in the boot, what's in the trunk of your car? And he'd say, well, a yellow jacket and a pair of boots. And he opened it and there it was. It's probably, it's obviously it's your car. So they said to this guy he opened the trunk, we found a stolen screwdriver. So they went back to the house to see what else is stolen and showing up, there were drills, there were lawn mowers, there was everything. But one of the police officers noticed in another room a box like four foot high by about 12 foot wide and he said what's in this box? He said we know you've got more stolen stuff in this box. It must be really expensive. So he smashed the lock on, they opened the box and there was the girl that got snatched nine months ago.

Speaker 2: 18:08

She was bruised, she was battered, but she was alive, very much alive. So the police officer the woman police officer led over, took her hand and helped to step out the box. She took a police pill off and she wrapped it around the young girl. What's the first thing the young girl did? She got back in the box. And that's a huge lesson for people, because, even though it's painful, we stay in relationships far too long, especially when it's abusive. We stay in situations far too long. Recognize that box and smash it to pieces. That's the only way forward and way back from repeating self-sabotaging behavior.

Speaker 1: 18:47

We are going to dive into more of this expert advice on recovering from not just addiction but from this self-sabotaging behavior. But what Dr Rob did not realize he was signing up for is we're going to play a quick game of would you rather? Very simple, no stress. I'm going to ask you a series of questions and you can tell us which one would you rather. These are very serious questions. Would you rather be a ninja or a pirate?

Speaker 2: 19:12

Ninja.

Speaker 1: 19:14

What are you going to do with your ninja skills?

Speaker 2: 19:16

I'm going to sneak up like nobody can see me and change the world, one ninja act at a time.

Speaker 1: 19:23

One ninja kick at a time, getting those bad guys. Would you rather dog or a cat?

Speaker 2: 19:30

Oh, a dog. Well, that's a hard one because I was a group of dogs, but my wife has cats, so I'm going to go for dogs. We have two of these bulldogs.

Speaker 1: 19:39

Now, if she wasn't watching or listening, would you say anything different?

Speaker 2: 19:46

I definitely don't tell me definitely.

Speaker 1: 19:48

Yes, you said you have bulldogs. Is that your favorite?

Speaker 2: 19:52

We have two English bulldogs. Yeah, so if I came back ever as a dog, that's what I want to be. I think it's called English bulldog. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 19:59

We've all heard it here Would you rather cake or pie?

Speaker 2: 20:02

Cake every time I have a sweet tooth that's bigger than any of the teeth in the world, I'm sure I do. So, yeah, I love cake. I absolutely love cake.

Speaker 1: 20:11

What's your favorite cake?

Speaker 2: 20:13

I would have to go for chocolate. And then there's a red velvet, which I would oh actually give my house away for one of those if I was in need.

Speaker 1: 20:23

Is it because somebody's specific recipe or a restaurant?

Speaker 2: 20:27

Restaurant yeah, even though my sister makes great cakes. But yeah, just that, that's that in dense the red velvet. Yeah, definitely.

Speaker 1: 20:35

Yeah, now this is actually a really controversial question. The icing are you like the traditional? I want the full cream cheese. Full sugar. Or do you like the lighter whipped icing? Full on, full on, full on. I want the red velvet, I want the full icing. Exactly, I hear that. Go big or go home. Would you rather go water skiing or scuba diving on the water or under the water?

Speaker 2: 21:05

Under the water. We love scuba diving. We love snorkeling, seeing the things that you'd never normally see in a life.

Speaker 1: 21:13

Yeah, yeah, where have you been scuba diving?

Speaker 2: 21:17

Spain, mexico, gibraltar, all that great stuff, love it.

Speaker 1: 21:25

Yeah. Yeah, I actually grew up scuba diving myself, yeah, and I found that the places I would have thought would be my favorite often weren't. It was, like I saw, like the most sharks in Florida of all places, as opposed to like Mexico or Grand Cayman or other places. Spain would be incredible. Ok, last question Would you rather at a movie? Actually, I probably already know the answer to this, because you just sort of answered it would you rather eat candy or popcorn?

Speaker 2: 22:00

Candy.

Speaker 1: 22:02

Do you have a go-to movie candy?

Speaker 2: 22:06

OK, here's a confession. Guys, Don't call the police on me.

Speaker 1: 22:09

Confession time with Dr Rob. Here we go.

Speaker 2: 22:13

We go to the store and get our chocolate and then sneak it in, because it's like $100 million for a bottle of chocolate in there.

Speaker 1: 22:20

Absolutely. Yeah, you have to give up your firstborn.

Speaker 2: 22:23

Yeah, I mean it's the craziest thing because it's not as if we don't have the money, but it's just them little things which have the little stuff that don't take advantage of me.

Speaker 1: 22:32

That's the only thing I have.

Speaker 1: 22:35

It's so true. It's so true. It's just because we can doesn't mean we should. You have this catchphrase that we've sort of touched on already, but I love this concept. It's not a drinking problem, it's a thinking problem, and we've highlighted this concept of self-sabotage. So for those of you listening and watching, I think the humbling reality for all of us is that we have to get out of our heads that addiction is limited to just drugs and alcohol and that all of us have an addiction problem of some sort. For some of us, we're just addicted to ourselves. It's that simple. We're just addicted to our own success, to our own whatever. But I'm go ahead. Do you have something to say to that? No, I agree.

Speaker 2: 23:30

I agree, I don't know if I said anything. Yes.

Speaker 1: 23:33

I don't want to stuff like that, but what I would love to hear is with your wide array of experience you over 8,000 clients so far, and I'm guessing it's not a stretch to suggest you have worked with everyone from the stay-at-home mom with a smaller social circle to the celebrity with global exposure I am guessing that, despite the vast difference, even in social experiences or just simply external pressures, is there a common thinking problem or mental narrative that you hear across the divide, if you will? Is there commonality?

Speaker 2: 24:20

Yeah, there is and title with the elite obviously. Knock that out straight away from them. And the denial. I once in denial.

Speaker 2: 24:28

Somebody else asked you to change behavior. It's really hard to do that because patterns of low behavior again is what our life becomes. So anything outside the norm, anything outside that comfort zone, people don't like. So the comfort zone is denial and entitled. And you have to ask by that barrier that is so many global household names, biggest movie stars and sports stars in the world that we bring to us and the first thing they say they're not doing that.

Speaker 2: 25:01

Do you know who I am? And, unfortunately for those, we don't need his money or their money. We don't need to. If you don't do your toll, we fire you. I think we're the only company in the world that fire you If you don't do it. So we knock that out straight away and get to the real problem. It doesn't make a difference if you live in a $50 million house or you pay $50 a month rent. You've got to look at that person and what they're going through, because they put all, especially superstars all these masks on before they go out. They have all these yes, man around them and you've got to get out of that. You've got it. Nobody guards come. No managers come. We bring them over here. It's just me.

Speaker 2: 25:42

And the first one I can mention because he's passed away is Eddie Van Halen. When he first called me with all the drugs and title name and who I am, which I didn't at the time. Eddie Van Halen picks one from the air, but I don't know who he was, which he seemed a bit annoyed at. It's like I don't care who you are, I don't get starstruck or anything like that. You ask for me to do a job. You call me. Let me do it. If you don't shut up, go back home, I don't care, I take you a million dollars. I don't care. I turned Britney Spears down for a million dollars about 14 years ago, back in doubt. She wasn't ready. She wasn't going to find her way to go away.

Speaker 1: 26:19

Yes. Well, and what's interesting to me is, I think again, the humbling perspective is, like you just said, whether you have a ton of yes, men, you put on multiple masks because you have such global exposure. I mean, don't we all do this to some degree? Like you just said, this is half of our problem is we're putting on a different mask, whether we have global exposure or not, because it's safer. We're hiding behind that mask of maybe it's denial, maybe it's the mask that I'm a really good guy or I'm a really right, even though inside we're dying because we actually have no sense of self-worth, and so we're putting on that mask.

Speaker 2: 27:01

It's a big one the imposter syndrome and the only people who know who I really am, which is probably really because, like I said, everybody goes through that to a certain degree. Nobody wants to show up. I mean, even you look at the filters about a rape. On that, I swear I met once for a job. I looked at a Facebook but I didn't recognize what you came in on this, yes, and that was interesting. It's like why do you think you have to do that? Why do you think we need more likes? Because I'm probably. Why do, I mean, just go down that rabbit hole of why?

Speaker 2: 27:36

You know, when I go on TV you turn on my makeup. Now I do it because of the camera shining especially up this big head forehead here. I'm not going to go down that route. It's making me different. You'll never see any photographs of me with with the filters on, because who's the authentic person?

Speaker 2: 27:54

If you're in your authentic self, then you're proud of yourself, you're confident. Everything you touch turns to gold. You're the great. You're always getting back. You take your part in life.

Speaker 2: 28:04

If you're living behind this mask, you are not going to take part in life. It's like, if you can right now I'm not saying you can because of what you're going through Get rid of that mask. Step out into the world and you'll see that more people love you. You'll see a few people didn't like you because who you were pretending to be, which is mind blower. When that comes through and it always comes true and then people start to love each other who they are, not who they want to be or who they want to perceive to be on the internet or TV. It's just like every single person I have met, including one of the biggest white rappers in the world, when nothing like they are on TV. When they were in my house there were nothing like that. Now you've got to do that sell records but at the end of the day you have to come out and say, hey, this is me.

Speaker 1: 28:52

Yes, and again, I would suggest that same concept is true whether you're working in a grocery store or you're trying to sell records. It's this idea of constantly having to evaluate what am I sacrificing of myself in all of order to do XYZ right. Like I'm a book agent, I can give a quick story where I had this book agent approach me. She wanted me to write this particular book. I wrote a proposal and I gave it back to her and it was denied. Because I really wish the story wasn't true, but because it was too deep and I was told that women want superficial and pretty. They don't want to think that hard and so, needless to say, that was not the right relationship. Because it's literally called him perfectly empowered podcast. For a reason we're trying to embrace imperfection in order to transform our lives, to take off the mask and step out with a sense of confidence in who we are and turn around the narrative of what is imperfection. And who told me that my wrinkles are imperfect or even a blemish? I sure didn't.

Speaker 1: 29:58

Yeah but it's that same concept. She's just trying to sell books, and what is devastating is she wasn't wrong.

Speaker 2: 30:05

Yes.

Speaker 1: 30:06

That women are buying superficial and pretty and yet we're dying inside of insecurity because we can't live up to society's standard of beauty.

Speaker 2: 30:17

You just hit the nail on the head. Most people that come out there look good, smile. You know, even corner shop people on movie stars. They're all going through so many terrible stuff that's killing them. One of the questions I was wondering what are you going through that nobody else knows about? Great question, it's calm and you know it's like. Well, we set ourselves up for failure in the morning, though, because people see us as in. When you stand six foot away from the mirror, the blemish should disappear. It's just an illusion, or eyes up. So what we do in the mirror first, we get close up, brush our teeth, shave or put makeup on, and subconsciously we're seeing all the blemishes. So what happens then is we go out to the world subconsciously with all that blemish on us and we feel less down. So we have to put on some sort of act. That's the last time you were in the office, guys, and when? Hey guys, how?

Speaker 1: 31:03

are you.

Speaker 2: 31:03

Nobody does that, so when you're locking yourself in the morning, step away six feet and then just look, that's what people see. And you're surprised how much confidence you have when you see who you really are. Because that's the biggest thing in the world is we don't know who we really are. We cannot be our own measurements. We don't know how beautiful we are, we don't know how amazing we are, how attractive, whatever it is.

Speaker 2: 31:26

Me and my friend went back to England and was sorting out my mom and dad's property because they passed away some years ago. My friend pulled this black and white photograph Now we used to the bodybuilders back in the day big, big, you know semi-pressant bodybuilders and he went Rob, look at this, look at this. And he came over and it was this black and white photograph and we were stood there and we're like, you know, doing all that. I was like, oh, my God, have you seen how small my waist was? God, we were really attractive, my God. And he said those were the days, Rob, weren't they? And I said, yeah, but we know, those were the days when we were checking our photograph. So what? It's the days, one of those days, and he's trying to get to impress me. You've got to live today. You've got to see how amazing you are, how attractive you are. I always tell people what I say how attractive they are. Our cats are lies, obviously. What nice jumper, nice shoes, Because we don't validate people one to one anymore.

Speaker 1: 32:21

Oh, we are Dr Rob he always knows how good he is. Nobody knows how good he is, I just like them on Instagram. That's our validation.

Speaker 2: 32:28

Yes, and it's crazy that these little tips in the morning, which I'll give you guys before I leave today, three things in the morning, will change your day from tomorrow. It's like I know it's hard to step out. I really know Like what me and you do is sometimes it gets lonely, Nobody knows what. Have you kid it? Now, if you're trying to change the world, one person at a time, it gets very lonely. I've been in some really lonely places, you know, depressed and lonely because people are laughing at me. What I was trying to do it's about everybody needs.

Speaker 2: 32:58

So there's a beautiful story and it is talking about communicating with people. It just says two words about hey morning, there's this guy and he's walking to the Golden Gate Bridge and he's going to throw himself off and kill himself. And so he did. And when the police pulled him out, he went back to his apartment and he looked around. They found what was called a suicide note on his table and this is what the suicide note said I'm going to walk over to the Golden Gate Bridge and I'm going to throw myself off and kill myself, unless somebody on the way talks to me. How many people if you walk back past today, guys on the way to the Golden Gate Bridge. How many people have you just walked past? You've got to talk. You've got to smile. You've got to you know, add up on it. You've got to validate, you've got to approve everyone around you on a daily basis.

Speaker 1: 33:47

And when we do, it's hard to do when we're like this every day.

Speaker 2: 33:50

Exactly. I've seen people walking to a black post and stuff like that because you know it's like a farm snack.

Speaker 1: 33:58

You know it's a bit restaurant-y you know.

Speaker 2: 34:01

When you go in, you put the phones in the basket and they take them off you.

Speaker 1: 34:04

Yeah, and it's a challenge. I mean it is a challenge. I mean, when I stepped away, I was an emergency medicine nurse practitioner. I worked in the ER for 10 years, and when I stepped into a virtual entrepreneurship, the challenge is real. It's like my job is on this device, and so the intention that I have to put into separating myself from this that now becomes an extension of my body is it does. It takes a lot of strategy.

Speaker 2: 34:32

That's what we need to start breaking our life. Imagine working on a railway line and doing that 24 hours a day. You would die within a few days or weeks. That's right. Second of the brain.

Speaker 2: 34:41

When you're stuck in that virtual reality system all of the time the brain starts to die. 300 neural pathways die every single day. What are you replacing them 300 neural pathways with? Is it rubbish or is it really good stuff like friendship, love and you have to have time, guys, and me and my wife do all the time like 6 pm before we go away.

Speaker 2: 35:02

And my assistant will pick up phones after that and be like we're not available. We're just not available to an extra person, and that has to be the case, because I made a great say and people smile at me. He said if you want to waste 10 hours, jump on TikTok for five minutes.

Speaker 1: 35:18

Yeah, it's so true. What are you doing?

Speaker 1: 35:20

I was you know, well, and then we think about our kids. We just talked about the self sabotaging nature. So now, once upon a time, when we came home from school, there was a break, right, and the social dynamics and the challenges that are inherent to our, you know, lives and growing. Now we could set them aside and fill them with what's hopefully a nurturing environment at home. But now, with the screen option, there is no longer any break in that social interaction. And so if you have that self sabotaging now it's like you're saying, now you're just feeding that over and over. And it's even worse because now people don't have to look you in the face to say what they're saying. Like at least they did at school.

Speaker 2: 36:01

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 36:03

If people behind the keyboard, had to speak to a person, they wouldn't say anything that he did. But the problem with today's society is you can get 999 lights on one. You know growling face and you're going to think about a growling face all day long. That's right. I have 5,000 friends, dr Rock. No, unfortunately, you are just plugged into the wall. Where's your social built? Just don't have them anymore. And that's why people stay at home. There's no more real men walking around. You know they've all hiding behind and you know I think the world has lost. You know the real men. The real men stands up and protects the family and protects the girl and, you know, does the right thing and steps out with confidence and, you know, stands when the wind is blowing the rain. It stands there, proud and tall, like you can't mess with me. But we're losing them, guys, unfortunately and that's a whole different podcast. You get what I mean. You know, with changes in society, one phone at a time.

Speaker 1: 36:55

Well, and I'm going to then take the other side and say I think, as women, we're actually losing the idea of, you know, in an age of female empowerment, I think we're more subdued than ever because of this filtered concept and this idea of the pressure to sustain this unnatural and yeah, artificial element of beauty. So it's a similar like we've lost the true sense of confidence and empowerment because we can't authentically step out, because I'm being told that what's naturally happening is not enough. Um I one of the things that you say in your program. So for those of you listening and watching, you've heard him mention that the actual addiction element, with drugs and alcohol specifically, is a much smaller percentage of actually what they are doing, although they do it.

Speaker 1: 37:46

Um, but I just want to help highlight some of the approach. No nonsense, this is why they're doing what they're doing, and something that I loved reading about your program is one you have clients recover at home. You're working with them in their home and I think this is such a valuable point to make. Why do you find the benefit of helping clients recover at home as opposed to in patient? I can't say.

Speaker 2: 38:14

I know who's asked me that question. I love answering this question when friends ask me Um well, what we found 10 years ago before everybody came to telehealth, provided before Zoom became popular, it?

Speaker 1: 38:25

came out about 10 years ago. What we found fascinating is when people come to the office.

Speaker 2: 38:29

They're all dressed up. They've got a nice shirt on, you know the trousers, and they sit there and they stare at it and stare at the office and it takes you ages to get through to the real there. But what we found when we did a few virtual is you know they have a nice t-shirt on, but they've got pajamas and slippers on that you don't see. So you can get to somebody real quickly because they're open up. You know they're bare, they're sat in the bedroom or whatever.

Speaker 1: 38:50

The mask is off. Yes, there's a mask off. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 38:54

What a brilliant oh. Yeah, exactly, I never thought about that. They're not put the mask on yet they're sat in front of the door. So, yeah, that's how we get them. So it's all about you know working that one on one. You know changing everything about them watching for patterns, clear up childhood trauma, uncover, discover, discard on the past, which then becomes our greatest asset going forward and learn, because what a lot of people don't know is you literally can do anything that you put your mind to. Now, people don't believe this. I can do this in telly-how. People always used to fire back five, six, ten years ago. Well, I can't represent the United States. Well, let's forget your political views for a second. We had a business running the country with no political experience whatsoever. How dare you tell me that you can't achieve your dreams? It's just not true. So then I want to apologize to you. Why? Because somebody's put that thought pattern there in your head. Yes, great.

Speaker 1: 39:51

Babies are born with two fears.

Speaker 2: 39:52

The fears of falling and the fear of loud noises. The rest of man may wait till your father gets on. Don't be so stupid. You can't go to college. Oh, you'll never be any good at that. All man made and you can get rid of that by telly-how. Like, 96% of our work today and we're a multi-million dollar company is telly-how and it blows people.

Speaker 1: 40:14

And it does. It shows the power of step number one, which is if for those of you listening and watching, if you have not gotten this, let's say it really clearly is you have to be willing to admit that you have a problem. And in order to be willing to admit that you have a problem, it takes a level of humility. Are you willing to step out with humility and say I don't have it all together? And for those of us who might not struggle with an obvious addiction, I think the way to help empower other people who do is by living with that same sense of humility ourselves, embracing this quote, unquote imperfection and having these types of conversations where we can openly say oh yeah, I had this experience I like totally screwed up. That is going to help your loved one express their own need for a problem if we're willing to take off our own masks. So let's step number one.

Speaker 2: 41:14

Be vulnerable. Me and my wife sit down twice a week at the table. No dinner to sit down pounds away and we go through it. The thing is, when you make me tea in the morning, I feel wanted. When you tap me on the backside, I feel loved.

Speaker 2: 41:30

And it's amazing how that will bring your relationship closer and closer together. There's a new world out there, guys, and people want you to get into. This time Like oh, that's the way marriage is supposed to be, says who Make me a wife, our marriage will be dancing in the bathroom in the morning. It's crazy, but people love our relationship because we're genuine, we're happy. It's just another step further than the mundane. So if you're at work and you're oh, it's hot day, yay, or TGIS, it's like get another job. If you're set up with a wife or girlfriend or husband and you're going through a mission.

Speaker 2: 42:10

You're happy, get another husband. Well, it's not really that simple. It really is, because in 20, 30 years, 40 years time and you're sat on your own in a home somewhere and elderly place and you're thinking I wish I would have done this. I wish you would have done that. You don't have time, guys, right now. Date that girl, buy that house, marry that guy. Do it today and make that your own by being vulnerable with each other and close that bubbling around you.

Speaker 2: 42:38

Don't let these naysayers in. You know people are not on the same page as me. That don't lift me up and vice versa. I don't want nothing to do with them. You're gone, yeah, but he was a friend for ages.

Speaker 2: 42:48

I don't care because that one little comment, especially when they wrap it up in a joke oh Robert, I see you're getting back again. Stop that stuff, he's out, he's out, he's out. What's for the guys that are not cheering when you win? Just be very careful, because there's always somebody around you and your family or immediate friend circle that want you to fail. 8,000 patients, always been the case. There's always that. Okay, find out who he is. Get rid of them. Two people in this world, guys, people that love you for who you are and people that want to be you. That is it. After 62 years on the serve, I can honestly say that's my conclusion about everything you know. Hang around the people that love you, some of your friends. I'll show you a future. If you hang around with 90-press people, you will become the 10. You hang around 90-press people, you will become the 10. It's as simple as that.

Speaker 1: 43:41

It's like hey, that transitions beautifully into this next question, because some of us listening and watching are the person struggling with the addiction. Some of us listening and watching are the loved ones of those people and some of us are maybe the ones that need to be cut off. But the question I have you have this incredibly powerful statement that says addiction is a family disease and therefore has to be a family recovery. And again I'm going to suggest this is true whether we're talking a substance addiction or not, this whole concept of recovery and disease. You insist that spouses or people who live in the home need to be present for a certain amount of these sessions, for these experiences, because it needs to be a family recovery. So the follow-up question to what you just said, I think, is how do we, as family members or loved ones maybe you're not an immediate family how do we live in such a way when we're holding in tension this balance of? No, I cannot control someone else's choices, Like I cannot control this person's behavior. However, I can contribute to it.

Speaker 2: 45:06

How do?

Speaker 1: 45:06

you speak into that person, and what do we then do as we create our own self-awareness be able to fully take responsibility for how we're contributing, but then also fully take responsibility for letting go of the control. Well, that's like a man of white business.

Speaker 2: 45:26

If a man comes to us and he's the problem or is still going through a disease, then we want the wife to come on two days a week. So he's seven days a week, one hour a day, but at 90 days because she has her trauma. So what happens is when we bring the wife on, the success rate of the patient goes up by 42%. That's what we found, because what happens is you'll see this in treatment sessions all the time Is he on a family day and the wife comes in and, okay, talking about Johnny? What is he doing? But he does this when my wife's getting what I was thinking okay, let's talk about Johnny. We go oh, this has nothing to do with him, this has to do with you and your trauma. What your lady thing? Well, it's not my problem. No, Well, can you explain to me why you let your husband come in when he's drunk and beat you while the kids are watching? Don't tell me you don't have appointments Now, whether you've got to pack your stuff up and go home, which we will advise if the guy doesn't want to get well, or whether you add but this isn't about you walking around on eggshell, this is not about you. I don't know alcohol. If you like your drink, it's got nothing to do with the partner, it's got nothing to do with you. So we want to take it further.

Speaker 2: 46:34

So we did test and trials around. People come back from Afghanistan and a wife in a violent, drunken household and the PTSD for both of them were exactly the same Are going through your trauma while you live in there, even though you don't think you are. You are Because if he continues to be violent in the home or continues to go down this pathway, he's going to die. And you're sticking around there, even if you haven't got children, but you're sticking out with the children. Then all you're going to do is learn to teach them how a marriage is.

Speaker 2: 47:07

Because, let's say you get an eight, nine year old, 10 year old girl coming up to an alcoholic family where I get sorry, that's just easy for me to say that that's the alcoholic comes on once or twice a week drunken, beats mom in a fist fight and the child is watching this. This is what happens to that child. First of all, she listens for the key in the door. If the key goes straight in the door, it's safe. If it jiggles around a little bit run and hide. But then what happens is when she leaves the house and she gets a boyfriend or goes to college and moves away from the household, she will attract the same guy that ends up beating her and drinking himself almost a dead 99.9%, to the extent that if she was to meet somebody nice who wants to talk after her, she would have sabotage that relationship because it doesn't feel comfortable. So that's the girl in the box. What happens to that girl is she'll stay in relationship way too long and then the ghost, the guy, will have that. Oh, nobody will have you, Because that's what mom used to say Well, I can't, we can't even go, nowhere to go.

Speaker 2: 48:05

It's like it's really BS. You've really got to stand on your feet. It's not up to me to make my wife happy and it's not up to my wife to be happy. It's about me. It's an inside job. It's about me getting happy with me and contributing to our amazing life. And it's the same with you, girl, and I don't care what situation you are in. This is 100% possible. Find out your identity. It's. 90% of the people in the world have lost their identity, whether they've been married or divorced. You've lost who you are. You've settled. Settle it guys. If it's not, if it goes, if you're out there after a bad divorce, don't settle. Make a list of what you want in a man, whether you want to protect him or you know he'd protect you. So make a list and don't come away from that list. People settle these days. Now why, why?

Speaker 1: 48:52

do you?

Speaker 2: 48:52

settle. Do you know how powerful you are? And you settle.

Speaker 1: 48:56

We're too easily satisfied. We're too easily satisfied, yeah, yeah. What would you say to the? Because you mentioned this generational cycle. So again, just keeping it very simple, as someone gets older and maybe they were related to someone with severe addiction, or they recognize, maybe in some way shape or form that there is some element of stronger self-sabotaging tendencies, what can someone start doing in their own life to become one more aware of it? They'll say, like I'll never become an alcoholic like my dad, I'll never XYZ like my mom. Or fill in the blank, how can they? Because initially, right now, no, they might not be walking that direction, and yet, as you have said, there are underlying tendencies. How do you recognize that and how do you start intervening in your own life?

Speaker 2: 49:55

Let's talk about your children, whether it be nine or 19, it doesn't make any difference. What's that behavior? What's him for not to not put dinner on the table? What's for them? Canceling trips Make any excuses to be isolated, isolation. So you've got to work that first of all.

Speaker 1: 50:10

Say this to all. We say that again about isolation. Say that again Isolation kills us.

Speaker 2: 50:14

You know we get to do research on death, bro. We have a prison over here that kills people, still, executes people, and we're allowed to go in. When I was working for the government and you ask people questions and we find out probably 80, something percent of people that went into the chamber were insane because of the isolation. So isolation kills us. The biggest thing a human being could suffer is isolation. So we have to make sure that they're not isolated. And then the biggest thing in the world is dialogue. That dialogue, talk to them, you know.

Speaker 2: 50:45

But I don't want to go to his room and look around for drugs and alcohol. Get in that room, guys. I'll tell you what. If he is and he's going down the road, he can't help it because he has a disease and you don't want to intrude on, you know, invade on his privacy. And then you're finding dead two days later and we're going to blame. I mean, it's not blame, you know, it's just like get in there, find out, love and nurture, because they're not going to, they're going to hate you. At the time, parents, I did with my parents, you know, years on, when they got through that and we battled them, become something they're going to love back and go. Mom, thank you so much for doing that. I was lost Because people are 50 or 15, they get lost in this disease and alcoholics do not have a choice because the hypothalamus, which is part of the brain, survival tells.

Speaker 2: 51:29

It tells the alcoholic drink alcohol. That's why I can go days or weeks without eating food or water. So it doesn't be choice. So intervene, start dialogue and then go to a professional and get help. I don't do this to bring people to us. I don't want your advice to call my girls or whatever you need to do. They don't want you to work.

Speaker 1: 51:47

When I sign up, they're going to say we got enough money, thank you, but starting by talking to somebody, guys, somebody, yes, and I think, if we can sum up what he just said, in case those of you are multitasking and listening and watching to this at the same time, what he said is get in there, and I think this is, as parents, what we need to start doing, regardless of whether we're at the stage where we're having to look for drugs in the room. I think the way to avoid that is, at this young age I'm thinking to my kids now, at you know, 11, 9 and 6, it's getting in there and asking the hard questions as parents and being willing to hear the hard answers and starting to embrace that type of dialogue and conversation and be willing to have it, so that you set up that standard where there is room for failure, there's room for mistakes, because we're human and that's not what defines us. But get in there is the takeaway that I heard you don't want to offend anybody today.

Speaker 2: 52:51

You know it's getting there because I'd rather you know you get in there and then be mad at you for a couple of days and find you dead one day in the bedroom. You know, getting there, find out, confront, do whatever you're going to do, you know then I'm going to hate you forever. I'm going to be a short period of time, but it's about saving lives, it's about doing the best stop turning your eyes, stop leaving them alone for 12 hours on the computer.

Speaker 2: 53:11

You know, monitor everything. You can do without going too far. But if you have a son like 11, 12 years old, most of his things are privacy.

Speaker 1: 53:19

You know the 13, 14,.

Speaker 2: 53:20

That's the thing. That's privacy. You're there to protect him, nurture, validate and approve. That's one of the jobs that a parent and parents aren't able to say not, because they're not. You know, it's going to be a teacher, it's going to be an aunt, that's passing on this behavior.

Speaker 2: 53:33

You know, just be there, just be that loving parent, nurturing parent. You know that brings them along. And you know you've often heard I used to say years ago my guys, friends used to laugh at me, stop saying it. When I was a kid my mom became, you know, my go-to person. She'd never been here by a friend because that's stupid. Oh, my daughter's my best friend. Stop it. You're a mother. Stop that crap. Stop the teacher.

Speaker 1: 53:53

You're not a sister, you're a mother. Take that responsibility.

Speaker 2: 53:57

Nurture, protecting, guide and you'll have a great relationship, and that's what I had with my mom until the addiction took it away. But, yeah, there's a whole new direction, guys, that we need to go in and I just hope that you've got something that I've been saying.

Speaker 2: 54:11

But I want to say as well. It's okay for him. I can hit people already. Look at him. I just Googled him in the big house and then I listen.

Speaker 2: 54:20

If you're at home, parents and this is resonating with you jump on the website, call the number on the website. My wife or my assistant monitor that number. They will talk to you forever about the problems and the direction. You're never going to cost you a damn, and okay, you call up 20 times a day to my wife. She'll spend 20 hours a day with you guiding you through the deal. But if you're at home, guys or girls, and you're sat in that horrible room and everyone's left you and you feel like it's the end for you 214-600-0210. Use my personal cell phone number, send me a text and say hey, I just listened to you on the show. I will text you back and then I'll arrange a 15-minute phone call that will change your life. I will pet talk 15 minutes and you know, if it doesn't change your life, I'm going to send you $100 for wasting your time, because I would rather spend 15 minutes with you than her.

Speaker 2: 55:19

Another suicide next week. I've always got my feet in the trenches. I reach for the stars every day, guys. But you see, I saw my children out for alcohol. I stabbed my wife three times one night because she won't let me finish my bottle of vodka. That's how far I went down.

Speaker 2: 55:35

So start looking at the glitter that you see on the internet. And this is me, a once broken down man that tried to commit suicide seven times. On two occasions it worked and you brought back me. Just text me, guys, and let's walk through this stuff together. That's what it's about. Do you want to sell your book on it? Do you want to sell your book? No, I don't do this for that. I do this. So one person oh my God, I relate to that. That's all. That's my dream. If you text me, you have just made my day Of all the good things I get to do flying private jets. No, that doesn't come close to one person in trouble texting another person that's been there and knows a way out. And we're never going to sell you anything. Never going to sell you anything. It's just one alcoholic addict, food, porn, sex, gambling. It's one guy talking to another going hey, you know something? I picked no way out, so over here when you finally Amen.

Speaker 1: 56:38

And I it's living with gratitude is really what you're doing taking your own experiences the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the messy and saying I'm grateful for all of it because here is what I am now able to do today and I really respect the way that you are living that out. His website is robkellycom, r-o-b-b Kelly, K-E-L-L-Ycom, and, of course, as always, we will have all of these numbers, links, et cetera, in the show notes. Dr Robin has truly been an honor. I'm pretty sure we could probably talk for 10 hours, maybe one day, maybe one day, but I just I pray God's richest blessing over your heart, your home, your wife. Truly thank you for the way that you are allowing yourself to be used to change the world. It's been an honor having you.

Speaker 2: 57:28

Thank you so much. It's been a pleasure and I can knock you up on the bucket list now. Thank you for what you do as well. Thanks, guys. I hope to see you again next time.